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ROYAL
ENQUIRER
Royal Court in Turmoil. Will Denmark survive?
By SOJIN JOSEPHSON
Things are heating up in the ROYAL COURT in the quickly deteriorating country of DENMARK since the sudden death of KING HAMLET. Drama, destruction, deceit, and death are of regular occurrence at Elsinore.
The young and contemplative Prince Hamlet is increasingly becoming psychotic and irrational, which we have concluded from a recent interview. Following the death of his father, his mother married his Uncle Claudius. Talk about impure and wrong. Hamlet then told our crew he saw the ghost of his father who told him that Claudius killed him. We think someone has popped a little too many pills. Really, what kind of sane person talks to ghosts? Are these the kinds of people you want to be the glue to hold your country together? Yeah, didn’t think so.
If the situation was not bad enough already, put love into the equation and there is a mess that can never be cleaned up. Young Hamlet fell in love with Miss Ophelia of Elsinore, daughter of Polonius- advisor of King Claudius. Confusing right? “Though this be madness, yet there is method in't,” says Polonius in an interview, who believes the reason for Hamlet’s lunacy is due to the deep love he has for Ophelia. THEN, what we did not see coming, in a chaotic burst of outrage, Hamlet murdered Polonius! Oh what a tangled web they weave when they intend to deceive.
With a guilty conscience, Claudius has been feeling a little frightened of Hamlet and also fearing his Queen will leave him if he does not get on better terms with her one and only beloved son. Not only could he lose his Queen, but also the people of Denmark, who love the Prince dearly. (Gasp!) To get more on the inside scoop, we invited Horatio, best friend to Hamlet and currently presiding in Elsinore, over to our headquarters for an interview. He tells us that the King sent the Prince back to college in England for a breather and to keep the Royal Court safe from Hamlet’s insanity. We think not. The King is up to something. Horatio then went on to tell us that Hamlet is being held captive by pirates and is on his way back to Denmark as you read this.
Since the death of her father, Ophelia has become a mirror to Hamlet—a psychotic nutcase. Maybe they should be together after all. Not. Those two ruling together would be a disaster, like the fall of the Roman Empire all over again. The return of her brother Laertes from France has struck a spark in the heart of the country. He is raging and in search of revenge…at Elsinore.
The Royal Court is in a state of serious turmoil and scandal and if people are not driven to madness, they are dying anyway. The Royal Court of the neighboring country of Norway is heading to attack the Polacks. Pretty soon they will all turn to dust and be forgotten forever if they do not step it up and stop acting like batty freak shows. Have the royals gone bonkers? Read our follow up articles to stay updated.
